


Kiss the Girl

by Wilhelmina Silver (Mina_K_Evans)



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Female Tony Stark, Fluff and Crack, If I remember, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, More tags to be added, Mutual Pining, Piggyback Rides, Rhodey is a troll, Toni is a Clothes Thief(TM), and she is oblivious
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-04-28 22:44:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14459415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mina_K_Evans/pseuds/Wilhelmina%20Silver
Summary: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are in love with one indomitable Toni Stark and are rivals for the fair lady's affections. It's such a pity that the woman in question is oblivious to this.Or: Five times Steve and Bucky try (and fail) to woo Toni Stark...and the one time they succeeded.





	1. So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RayShippouUchiha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayShippouUchiha/gifts).



> Okay, so, not going to lie, I don't know what I'm doing. But after reading RayShippouUchiha's The Components of Construction and her other works, I've been inspired to write some female!Tony Stark fics. We'll see how this goes. Enjoy!

_The Avengers. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. More like Earth’s biggest toddlers._

Toni rolled her eyes at the thought. She stared mournfully down at the jar of pickles sitting innocently in front of her, next to the half-made sandwich she was preparing. “All of this over a jar of pickles,” she muttered in disbelief.

“Hey, Tones.” Toni glanced up to see Rhodey joining her at the kitchen island. “Want to tell me why Rogers and Barnes are having an all-out war in your living room?”

The billionaire shrugged. “Fuck if I know, Honey Bear. At least they haven’t destroyed any walls yet.” She winced as a loud crash filled the air and something shattered into a million pieces. “Yeah…they are so paying for that.”

Rhodey snorted and gave her a look that said, no, they weren’t. “How did this start, Toni?”

“All I wanted was a sandwich but I couldn’t get this,” she shook the jar of pickles, “opened.”

Rhodey gestured for her to continue.

She sighed. “So, the Capsicle decided to offer his services but the Bionic Man said that he would only break the jar. And we all know that America’s first super soldier couldn’t take that lying down and Robin Hood and Charlotte decided to _help_ by telling them to fight for the right to open the jar.”

“Okay,” Rhodey drawled, nodding in understanding. “Why did they decide to fight in the living room?”

“J suggested that any physical altercations happen in the living room where there would be fewer things to repair. Thanks for that, baby boy,” Toni explained.

“You’re welcome, Miss,” JARVIS replied, “I was only thinking of your sanity. Kitchens are very difficult to repair.”

Toni threw her best friend a look. _You see what I have to put up with?_ It said.

After a long silence, she asked, “If we lock Steve and Bucky in a room, do you think they’d get along more if they just rip each other’s clothes and screw their brains out?”

Rhodey coughed on his water. “What?!” he finally spluttered.

“They’re tense,” she responded, as if that explained everything. “It seems like every time I walk into a room they’re in some standoff where they’re two dogs trying to mark their territory on the same tree. Maybe, if they finally hit the sheets, they can finally resolve that unresolved sexual tension.”

The older man cleared his throat. “I don’t think it’s going to work like that, baby girl,” he replied.

“Why not?” she demanded. “I’m sure it’s unresolved sexual tension. It’s been, what, fifty, seventy years? I doubt they got any time to relieve any of that tension between saving the world, hunting down HYDRA, and all that other stuff.”

“Oh, I’m sure they have unresolved sexual tension.” Rhodey smiled knowingly. “But it’s not with each other.”

“Then who, Sour Patch?” Toni asked, puzzled.

“Now that would ruin the fun, wouldn’t it?” He gestured to the jar of pickles. “Do you still need help with that?”

She handed him the jar of pickles. With practiced ease, Rhodey opened the jar with an audible _pop_ and set the jar in front of the younger woman. Toni squealed in glee.

“I love you and don’t let anyone tell you that you’re just a pretty face,” she said as she finished making her sandwich.

“Can’t I be both?”

Before she could answer, there were running footsteps. The duo looked up to see Steve Rogers, aka Captain America and America’s biggest golden boy (next to Superman, of course), stopping in front of Toni with Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, aka Bucky, aka the Winter Soldier, aka Captain America’s loyal sidekick (up until a few weeks ago when this whole pissing contest began), hot on his heels. Clint and Natasha followed the two super soldiers at a more sedate pace.

“Toni!” Steve cried eagerly, “I’ve come to open the jar for you!”

“You’re too late, Cap.” Toni brandished the plate in front of her. “Rhodey already opened it for me.”

She took a bite of her sandwich.

“But, Bucky and I dueled for this,” the blond super soldier pouted.

“Yeah, you should’ve seen it, Stark.” Clint whistled. “It was epic.”

“Right,” Toni drawled. She turned to her best friend. “Rhodey, since you most likely haven’t caused any structural damage to my house and haven’t enabled the idiots who did, you’re my favorite and I’m going to make updates to your suit.”

“I love you too, baby girl,” Rhodey said, falling into step with the diminutive superhero as they headed toward the elevators.

“You better hope there aren’t any structural damages in the living room or there’ll be hell to pay,” Toni said over her shoulder. She shook her head. “I swear, it’s like herding cats.”

The elevator doors closed. All Rhodey could do was pat her on the shoulder, offering a hollow comfort. It didn’t make her feel any better.

Steve and Bucky had been childhood best friends. They went through a lot together. But ever since Steve found Bucky and dragged his ass to the Avengers Tower, they were two stags fighting for dominance. But over what?

If only she could get to the bottom of what was making the two super soldiers fight like cats and dogs, maybe her tower could remain intact.

Maybe. _And maybe pigs fly._


	2. Alliances Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Toni is still oblivious, the Avengers are jerks, and a betting pool is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to write the Super Soldiers' first attempt to woo Toni but I ended up writing more bro moments...among other things. Anyway, let me know what you think. Meanwhile, I might write something else (because I have the attention span of a gnat) in order to get over my writer's block for this fic. Please read and review. Enjoy!

Steve Rogers was the Star-Spangled Man. More importantly, he was the Star-Spangled Man with a Plan. And, right now, this Star-Spangled Man with a Plan was stumped.

The reason for his current condition? One Toni Stark, the Iron Queen and Howard Stark’s daughter.

Steve honestly didn’t know what to make of the woman. Waking up in the 21st century, discovering how much time had passed since he went under, was a shock to his system. Since then, it was one long battle after another. If it wasn’t fighting an alien invasion or foiling a megalomaniac’s attempts at world domination, it was a crash course on what he’d missed in the last seventy-odd years when he was frozen—from history to science to pop culture and everything in between. Through it all, Toni Stark was there, a woman whose genius surpassed her own father’s and had taken Stark Industries to new heights.

Toni Stark, a woman that the reporters loved and loved to hate.

Toni Stark. Genius. Billionaire. Society queen. Philanthropist. Hero.

Toni Stark, the woman Steve loved. And, unfortunately (for him, anyway), the most oblivious human being to have ever walked the earth.

He didn’t know when it started. It could have started sometime after the Battle of New York or it could have happened after he and Bucky showed up at the Avengers Tower, wanting to stop running and be a part of something. All he remembered was seeing her in her workshop, happily soldering something while scolding her robot children with a smile on her face, and wishing he was the one to make her smile.

Now if only he could tell her he loved her….

…

II

“Fork me,” a familiar voice demanded.

_Did she just—?_

“What?!” Steve asked, turning away from his conversation with Sam in surprise. His neck flushed. It was only a matter of time before it reached the rest of his face.

Toni waved a small plate of chocolate cake in front of him. “I need a fork.”

She gestured to the collection of forks that laid innocently on the buffet table next to him. It was supposed to be a small party for the Avengers to unwind, especially since it was the first time in a long while that everyone was here in the Tower and there weren’t any threats of alien invasions or world domination hovering over them.

“Fork me,” she repeated.

“Oh,” he said, his expression flat. He completely missed the amused look on the Falcon’s face. “Oh!”

Dark brown eyes narrowed. “Everything okay, Cap?” Toni asked. “You sound disappointed.”

“Yeah. Yeah! It’s nothing.” He placed the fork on the plate. “Here you go.”

Toni and Sam exchanged a look that the blond super soldier couldn’t decipher.

“Are you sure?” Toni probed. She picked up the fork and dug into her cake. “Because it doesn’t look like it.”

“Yeah, Cap,” Sam said, his voice sly, “I’m sure Toni could _help_ you with your problem.”

His shoulders tensed. “What do you mean?” he stuttered.

The genius gestured to Bucky who was across the room, talking to Natasha. “There’s something going on between you and Frosty the Murder-Man.”

“It’s nothing,” Steve denied.

Yeah…the problem with telling Toni that he loved her? Besides the fact that Steve couldn’t talk to women. Besides the fact that Toni was oblivious when it came to those squishy, human feelings (her words, not his). It was the fact that Bucky was in love with her too.

And Steve didn’t know what to do with that.

Beside him, Sam scoffed.

“Right,” she drawled. Her face twisted into a look that said she didn’t believe a word he was saying and that she wasn’t impressed. “It doesn’t look like nothing if you and the Special Snowflake keep damaging my walls and furniture. Well, you do you, I guess. But if you need my help—and, trust me, you will—you know where to find me.”

She strutted away, heading for the elevators that would lead her to her beloved workshop. Steve watched her go.

“Struck out again, Stevie?”

Steve turned his attention away from the elevators to find Bucky and Natasha joining him and Sam near the buffet table.

When the blond didn’t answer, the dark-haired super soldier turned to Sam for an answer.

“The man chickened out,” was all Sam could say.

“What happened?” Natasha asked.

“Nothing!” Steve interrupted. “Can we please not talk about this?”

“Fine,” Natasha replied. She and Sam exchanged a look. “Should I—?”

Sam shook his head. “No.”

“But they should—” the Widow began.

“And miss out on the free entertainment?” he retorted.

Natasha nodded. “You’re right. They’re better off not knowing.” Throughout the whole exchange, Steve and Bucky looked at the other duo like spectators at a tennis match. She patted the two super soldiers on the shoulders. “Good luck. You’re going to need it.”

A heavy silence hovered between the two.

At length, Bucky said, “Your friends are jerks.”

“Yup,” Steve replied, resigned.

“So, what now?”

“I’m not stepping down,” Steve answered. He tensed his shoulders and stood straighter, squaring himself for a fight.

“Neither am I, punk.” Bucky’s accent became more pronounced.

The two super soldiers stared each other down, refusing to give an inch. They were at a stalemate and they knew it.

“You know, at the rate we’re going, Toni’s never going to get the hint that we like her,” Steve pointed out, his master tactician’s mind working overtime.

“You’re right,” Bucky agreed. “Toni wouldn’t know how we feel about her even if we were naked and offering ourselves on her bed. So, what are you saying?”

“Temporary truce,” Steve suggested. “Since Toni isn’t picking up our individual signals, we might as well team up and go on a more aggressive offensive than before.”

“What do you have in mind?” the former Winter Soldier asked.

“We keep looking at this like Toni’s a civilian—like she’s any other lady. She’s not. She’s an Avenger,” Steve observed. “We have to look at it like a mission. She’s our target and we’re going to need a lot of reconnaissance to be successful.”

“Agreed.” Bucky nodded. 

Mission: Court the Queen was a go.

…

III

“Brucie! My favorite Science Bro!” Toni announced as she walked into Bruce’s lab.

“I thought Rhodey’s your favorite,” he responded distractedly as he analyzed the data on his latest experiment.

“Please. You know my Honey Bear is my soulmate.”

Bruce gave her a surprised look. “You’re kidding, right?” he asked, incredulous. “Never mind. What do you want?”

“What makes you think I want something?” Toni asked, trying to sound innocent as she leaned across the workbench.

He gestured to her, rubbing the back of his neck. “You have that look on your face. It’s that look where you’re about to do something that will land you in trouble. Rhodes told me about that look. He also told me about your manic-engineering binge look.”

She put a hand to her chest. “You wound me!” she cried. “If I actually had feelings, I might be hurt.”

“Right,” he drawled. “So, what do you want?”

“You’re going to help me?” She stood up in surprise.

“Toni, I know you well enough to know that you’re still going to follow through on whatever crazy scheme you have. And, since Rhodes isn’t here, you’re going to need a level-headed friend to either join you or bail you out of trouble,” Bruce explained. He shrugged. “It’s a toss-up. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“Aw, Brucie-bear, you say the sweetest things!” She grinned. After a beat, her face turned serious. “I need your help.”

“Okay.” He gestured for her to continue.

“I need your help with Steve and Bucky.”

“Oh, god, what have they done now?” he asked, dreading the answer.

“Fortunately, Mr. Rogers and Mr. Barnes haven’t caused any more structural damage to Miss’s tower,” JARVIS answered, “yet.”

“Oh, thank god,” he muttered. “So why do you need help with those two?”

“They’ve been acting weird and I think it’s all because of the UST,” Toni answered.

“UST?”

“Unresolved sexual tension,” she explained without missing a beat. “I think, if I can get them to admit their feelings for each other, then they would get along. Or at least have hate sex. Either way works for me as long as they’re no longer breaking anything in my house.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?” Bruce frowned, looking torn. “It could be something else.”

“Well, Natasha did mention Cap meeting Sharon Carter back in Washington,” Toni mused, tapping her fingers on the workbench. “But he hasn’t mentioned anything. And I know they haven’t looked at any other man or woman since they’ve been here.”

“Are you sure?” Bruce barely resisted the urge to hit his head against the hard surface of the workbench. _Barely._

 _Tin Girl clueless_ , the Other Guy whispered at the back of his mind.

 _Yes, she is_ , the scientist silently agreed.

“What else could it be?” the billionaire demanded.

“Never mind,” Bruce said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “Fine. I’ll help. But I feel like it’s going to take more than the two of us to tackle this.”

“It’s fine,” Toni dismissed. “With our combined genius, we can come up with a foolproof plan to get those two to finally get some action!”

“I’m going to regret this,” Bruce despaired. _Maybe I should warn Steve and Barnes. Nah._ “So, what’s the plan?”

…

IV

“Oh, my Thor, it’s finally over,” Toni muttered as she strutted across the lobby of the Avengers Tower. Her Louboutin heels clacking on the tile floors. Thankfully, her employees knew enough to not get in her way—especially if she just came from a board meeting.

“Hey, Toni,” Bruce greeted as she approached the elevator.

A week had passed since Toni recruited Bruce for her plans to get Steve and Bucky together. Since then, they hadn’t been able to form any plans for the two super-soldiers with the onslaught of villains trying to take over the city. It was like the super-villains had some sort of sixth sense to keep Toni from matchmaking.

He gave her a once-over. “You look…good.”

The genius billionaire looked down at her outfit. The fiery red, short-sleeved, button down collared shirt and the knee-length A-line skirt paired with the five-inch platform peep-toe heels made her look gorgeous. “Thanks,” she said as they got onto the elevator.

There was a long silence.

“Yeah, I’m more used to seeing you in Rhodes’s clothes. What’s the occasion for this—” he gestured, “getup?”

“Board meeting,” Toni explained. “Now that it’s over, I can finally get out of these heels. So, have you given any more thought to getting Cap and his BFF together?”

Bruce hesitated. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“For the hundredth time, yes. They haven’t looked at anyone and all they seem to do is fight every time I’m in the room.” Toni huffed. “They’re attracted to each other. They’re in denial. They need to get laid.”

The elevator doors slid open before Bruce could respond. He followed the other woman as she strode out of the elevator and into the common room.

 _This tiny woman is Trouble_ , he thought.

 _Tin Girl fun_ , the Other guy whispered.

“Oh, my god, yes!” Unaware of her audience, the billionaire untucked her shirt, reached under it, and took her bra off without taking her shirt off. She threw the red scrap of lace to the side, oblivious to the fact that it hit Steve in the face.

Everyone in the room—with the exception of Rhodey, Natasha, and, surprisingly, Clint—stared in surprise. Bruce rolled his eyes. _Men._ (He’d seen Betty do this several times so he already knew what women could do.)

Meanwhile, Bucky’s eyes widened and he was starting to turn into a tomato. Steve wasn’t any better either. The blond super soldier looked lost as the bra hung from his index finger, dangling like a fish on a fishing line. And was it even possible for a human face to get that red?

“Long day, Tones?” Rhodey asked, snickering into his ice cream.

“Honey Bear!” Toni grinned. She joined him at the island counter. “You have no idea. Board meetings.”

“They’re a drag,” he commiserated. He gestured with the spoon. “Is that why you took your bra off and used Cap like a laundry hamper?”

Toni turned, noticing the two frozen men. “Huh. Sorry about that, Cap,” she said as she walked over and grabbed her bra. “Didn’t see you there.”

“Is that the bra Pepper gave you for your birthday?” Rhodey asked. “It’s really cute.”

“Yes, it is,” Toni answered absently. She turned her attention to Steve. “Cap? Are you okay? You’re all flushed.”

“Grmpkf.” Steve grunted.

She stepped closer. She put a hand to his forehead. “Do you have a fever? Are you sick? Oh, my god, your nose is bleeding! Why is your nose bleeding?!” she demanded, rushing to get a tissue to mop up the blood.

“I don’t know, Toni.” Bruce exchanged a look with Rhodey, Natasha, and Clint. The others struggled and failed to contain their laughter. “Maybe it’s the weather.”

“Yeah, Tones,” Rhodey agreed. “It’s getting really hot in here. Even Barnes is getting a nosebleed.”

“What?” The resident genius billionaire turned to find Barnes standing, his eyes wide, his nostrils flared, and a trail of blood oozing out of his nose. “Okay, that’s it! Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Steve asked, finally regaining his voice.

“To my workshop,” Toni answered, grabbing an unresisting Bucky with her. “I’m sure J and the boys have a very well-stocked first aid kit.”

“Of course, Miss,” JARVIS drawled, “one must always be prepared whenever you go on your engineering binges. And we all care about Miss’s safety.”

The others watched Toni herd the two super soldiers down to her workshop. When they disappeared, Clint turned to the remaining people in the room and said, “Ten bucks says that they all finally get laid by the end of today.”

Rhodey scoffed. “Please. They’re not going to get laid.”

“Jealous, much?” Clint asked.

“What? No. I’m just saying that’s a sucker’s bet. They’re all idiots,” Rhodey said. “The better bet would be how long it would take for them to finally admit that they like each other, how Toni reacts to Steve and Barnes's overtures, and how they find out that they like each other.”

“So, what you’re saying is we should start a betting pool,” Bruce replied.

Rhodey nodded in agreement. “We should start a betting pool.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Don't forget to leave a review and a kudos before you read another fic. Thanks!


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